Lucky 13

The long anticipated girl's night out. Lucky 13. Or is it Lucky 7? It doesn't matter, it's the 13th therefore, for our purposes, it's Lucky 13. Tonight is going to be magical; you can feel it in your bones. It is your lucky night. The thing about luck though, at least what you learned from watching leprechauns on Charmed, is that it can go either way. Let's hope your luck tonight is good, regardless of tonight also being Friday the 13th and a full moon -- the freaks come out at night.

There's 4 of you tonight; all different and all attractive. Each of you is dressed to impress; each showcasing her own personal style -- brightly colored jeans, silky tops, feathered earrings, short skirts, tall boots, mini dresses, a white bandage. It's no accident you came to The Knockout tonight. All of you plan on being the knockouts for the night. No pun intended.

You walk up to the door and look at your friends, their ids are out. You search in your bag for yours, but your broken finger slows you down. During the search for your card, you drop your mini Swiss army knife. The bouncer picks it up and looks at it, looks at you. He raises an eyebrow. You, in all seriousness, say the first thing that comes to mind, "The first rule of Fight Club: you do not talk about Fight Club." He laughs. Loudly. Your friends don't know what to think. One is used to you and just laughs with an eye-roll. Another looks a little nervous. The third just calls you "estupit" as she stifles a giggle.

You tell him you broke your finger a number of weeks ago and need the knife to cut the tape every time you re-bandage. He looks at you with an interested gleam in his eyes, looks at your friends. He's charmed by their looks, amused by your words. He let's you in, waiving the cover charge.

It's gonna be a good night. An unpredictable night. Your favorite kind.

The excitement is contagious and shared by all 4. there is no other motive other than let loose and have fun.

For one of you tonight is a stress reliever -- working 7 days a week takes a toll and a girl's night out is the perfect outlet. Hubby can stay home.

For another, the entertaining and possibly wild outing is needed to block the pain of a recent break up. Boys watch out!!

You and your other friend, the crazy one, just need to go out. You're both thinking of tonight as your "debut". You both plan on dancing and mingling and possibly flirting. Definitely flirting. This night, you plan on showcasing and embracing and possibly flaunting. Definitely flaunting. Tonight, there's no holding back.

You walk in. You're met by an instant heat wave - the place is packed. You push and are pushed as you all make your way to the bar.The music is loud. Its old school. You're back at your middle school's playground. Except that now you drink. The bartender, middle-aged and tough-looking, approaches you: one redstripe for crazy, one margarita for wife, one cranberry vodka for newly single and for you, vodka soda (less calories and you are wearing a very fitted dress). No cosmos here. The Sex and the City gals are much more sophisticated than this foursome. Cheers!

Drinks in tow, you hit the dance floor. THe music vibrates inside you. Your bodies move to the rhythm, you effortlessly sway to the beat. Your drinks swish with every movement, they bounce with every step. Someone bumps into you and there goes your drink. Oh well... It was too strong anyways. You're wearing heels tonight and drinking always gives you a strong case of spaghetti legs. You put the glass down and dance.

You look around and notice one of your friends is missing. In the corner, you spot her. She's getting her long awaited kiss. He's cute. Totally her type. Tall, dark and handsome. Non-squishy. Her golden eyes flash mischievously and her skin, already damp, glistens under the dim lights. She's having a great night. Go crazy!

The foursome is down to three. At least for the next couple of hours.

You spoke too quickly. The trio is down to two. Newly single is newly entertained. You'll be surprised if she decides to take a breathing break in the near future. Wife and you exchange a look, it's just the two of you for now. At least you still have someone to dance with. It's better that way; you don't like the sometimes sticky fingers these boys have and neither does her husband.

The music is getting louder. The beat is stronger. The bass pounds alongside your heartbeat. You and wife look at each other and laugh -- you're both having the time of your week for sure. This is what being young is all about it. All the worries and stress of the week forgotten for several hours.

In the dark you spot him. From across the room, your eyes meet. Your smile is tentative. It's him. The one who broke your heart. You realize you've stopped dancing. Your legs feel heavy, your heart races. Wife looks at you, a puzzled look on her face. You don't speak. You don't know what to say, what to feel. Part of you wants to run the other way, pretend he isn't there. Another part of you wants to run to him. But instead, you look at wife, smile and keep dancing.

The lights come on. The 4 of you reunite. Newly single and crazy are back, satisfied smiles adorn their faces. The night is over. As you walk out, you take one look back, see him and without regrets, leave for good.

Rolling Dice

Tell me a story.
Give me your dreams.
I want to know how you got here.
I need to know how you became what you are.
What's inside you? I want to see.

Weave your hopes and your pains.
Make a quilt.
It's patched with insecurities and fear;
tightly threaded with obscurity and selfishness.
Let's use it as shelter.
You protect yourself with it.
I want to borrow it.
Like you, I want to use it to distance everyone away.
I don't want anyone to know me either.

I'm not a gambler -- the risk is too great.
The die roll but never stop.
What are the chances of being a high-roller?
Per my history they're slim to none; I will lose it all.
I already have.
Decades ago it happened.
Since then, I've never been able to win again.

The die always roll a blank.
Broken dice. Broken spirit. Broken dreams.
Gambling is a risk. Everything is lost.
Don't gamble unless you can afford to lose.
It's a recession. I can't afford to play.

I don't possess anything of value.
What can I offer?
I have no barter, no high stakes.
I only have what you see.
I can only offer what I am.

The die roll.
I wonder when and where they will stop.
 

MUNI

"blah blah blah blah..." I'm standing at the bus stop with my headphones on. Mellow tunes blast into my ears to match my mood and the sunny yet over cast day. "I'm sorry, what was that?" I ask the MUNI employee. He says, "You look so lovely standing there, even drinking coffee." I thank him but have to correct him -- it's hot chocolate, I don't do coffee. "Even better," he says.

I'm waiting for the 48 at West Portal; the bus is here but the driver is on her break. Trying to be nice, he asks if I want him to let me on the bus while I wait for the driver to return or if I want to continue waiting outside. I opt for the outdoor option; it's too nice a day to be locked in when I don't have to - I'll save that for when I return to the office Monday. After tasting freedom for one delicious week of lounging, swimming, eating, surfing and hiking, it's hard to return to captivity.

He introduces himself - James. He asks about me - what do I do? Am I in school? Did I go to Carnaval this past weekend? I answer his questions - I'm in insurance; I'm done with school but still sometimes flirt with the idea of grad school; no, I didn't go to Carnaval, I was out of town and just got back for my high school friend's wedding where I was a bridesmaid. He was under the impression I was a lot younger than I am and tells me so. Again, I thank him. He goes on to say that I seem so put together for being so young and how at my age, he wasn't nearly as mature or as established as me (he's 46).

Offhandedly, he observed the disparity in maturity between men and women. "Women," he said, "mature so much faster than men. Why do you think that is? Is it genetics or the other chromosome?" I'm no scientist but still managed to have answer: "Double standards. Women have it so much harder. Men are automatically born with the privilege of being male. Women need to put more effort to get the same recognition as men professionally, scholastically and personally." Good boy, he agreed. He even took it a step further: "Many men are mama's boys too." And, good girl because I didn't argue.

Mama's boys. It's funny the way women rear sons to remain boys for longer than they should, while teaching daughters to be women. At that moment, the driver returned and turned the bus on. I said good-bye to James and hopped on the 48.

FIFA 2010

The World Cup begins tomorrow. I'm so excited because today on Facebook, I liked Budweiser so I would be able to do the many faces of the World Cup. I started by choosing my favorite team - Brasil. Using my profile picture, I showed my team spirit by painting my face green and yellow. Then I moved on to country after country. I stopped after 12. I figure putting different pictures of me for different countries was the fairest way for me to chose my team. Or teams. My top three (solely based on my pictures) are:
Italy
Germany
Chile
Japan isn't bad either, it gives me a Geisha look that's pretty fun.
I even did Mexico, but only at my cousin Jorge's request. I hope they lose though; they're too conceited. I'm rooting for my top 4 (Brasil and my favorite 3 pictures). But who knows who will win?

I used to watch that stuff growing up. I remember watching the 1994 Worl Cup in which Brasil took the title (they're the best team in the world - it's a fact) with my mom, sisters, uncles and grandpa. It was exciting and after the win, my sisters, mama and I went for a ride with el abuelito down Market Street - everyone was cheering and honking their horns! That's right Italy, in yo face! They got schooled! Ha ha!

I should go clean. I'm supposed to be productive. My sister is spending the night tomorrow and I don't want her to think I'm a slob or a slacker. Though, we grew up together, and we lived together, so she may already be aware of both. I'm not a slob though; nor a slacker. Just a little bit disorganized. Okay, go clean.

Aloha: Hello & Good-Bye

Sometimes you just gotta say good-bye. I guess it's time I said it. It's been 68 days (yeah, I've counted -- what happened to me?! I'm such a girl, yuck...). I'm tired of mopping. Life is hard enough without added heart-break. Wish I knew how to start. I saw the new profile picture and as terrible as it is, I think it's so cute. That's scary. My sister says I have the "battered woman syndrome" because I defend and love someone who hurt me so much. But, I can't blame him. He didn't do it on purpose. I can't deny his selfishness though, nor his lack of respect for me. She says I'm a weird girl, thinking and saying how adorable that picture is. A normal girl would hate on it, call it what it is -- ugly. She says she's going save it to her computer and send it to me as a postcard or as a card on holidays when I'm feeling blue because of him. I already missed Christmas. And Easter. I'm not planning on missing anymore holidays.

For Easter I wasn't just heart-broken though, I was also sick. I think he makes me sick. Literally. The first time my poor little heart broke I ended up having pneumonia - that was October, a few days before Halloween. The second time, when it just broke beyond repair, was April 3, the night before Easter. Granted I was already feeling a little under the weather, but I was happy, excited and hopeful to see him. So much for that. I canceled my Easter plans. Instead, I stayed home coughing, weeping, feverish and sleeping. It was raining outside. It rained all day. I remember wondering if the Heavens were competing with my eyes for the downpour. I went to work the next day, refusing to stay home for something so trivial. But, I must have been a sight because I was charmingly told "you look sick" and "you should go home". I felt so ashamed, hoping my tears had gone unnoticed (except for the people I cried in front of, oh gosh...).

Now I'm just frustrated for caring, for mopping, for hoping and for blaming myself for being naive. My sister says I shouldn't feel bad, or ashamed or blame myself. She says I trusted him and gave my heart in good faith, and I can't regret it. She makes sense. I know she's right, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. It also doesn't make it any easier to accept the strong feelings I have for someone to whom I'm insignificant to. I guess that's life though. Right now all I want is a magic antidote that erases memories and heals hearts. Or Paul Walker. I do wonder if I'll ever share myself with anyone again. I don't want to. I can't eve imagine loving anyone else. Sometimes, when I think about that, that song comes into my head - "if I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby...can't let go and it doesn't matter how I try. I gave it all so easily to you my love to dreams that never will come true..." and I laugh. A lot. I must be crazy. Skydiving, surfing without knowing how to swim and trying to ride a motorcycle even when I shut my eyes at sharp turns, I can deal with. Those are risks that are exciting and fun. Physical pain goes away. Emotions though, yikes. I would have thought a month was more than enough time. Time is way up. Maybe I need an exorcism. Minus the green vomit. I want to be like I was before - happy. I want to feel the excitement I used to feel over, well, everything - cheese, a trip, a song. "I love lamp." I need a sabbatical. Machu Pichu, don't go anywhere - I'm coming to hike you and sleep in your pyramids. I plan to watch the sun set from your altitude and see it rise in full glory, the miracle of a new day marking a new beginning in my heart. I want to say good-bye. I really do. Well, my head does. My heart doesn't (it's not that bright). Sigh. Dusho, Dusho...tsk, tsk...

Lakers vs. Celtics

"Let's go Lakers!" It's a pivotal game tonight. Third game; best of seven. Lakers vs. Celtics. The City of Angels vs. Boston. West vs. East. Can't we all just get along? Honestly, I don't care about the game. I don't even know when basketball season is, I only know about tonight because my friend is a die-hard Laker fan and tried to get me to watch tonight's game. Lucky for me, I broke my TV this weekend, so no can do. Sorry Kobe. It's a shame I'm not a fan. I feel like Kobe and I are buds; he hangs out at my office everyday -- tall, dark, handsome and all cardboard. A shame, but I just don't follow sports. I don't mind them live -- I've been to see the Giants play countless times. I've even been to a couple football games -- Let's go Niners! Football was delicious though; all the food at the tailgating, hell yeah I'm there. Overall though, I lack the sophisticated and dedicated capabilities to sit in front a television set cheering for a bunch of (typically) men. I wouldn't mind if there was good food involved. But, the only thing in my fridge and cupboards right now are milk and Cookie Crisp. In other words, that ain't cutting it. So, sorry Yen, no game tonight.

Soap Operas

I broke my TV. It was an accident of course. Maybe I should clarify; I broke the back of the television that connected the viewing tube to the converter box. Now I can't watch anything unless it's in cd format and accepted by my PS2. I should’ve known that was going to happen. I was trying to "organize". Last time I tried that, I broke my bed. I am sometimes possessed by what seem like brilliant ideas and execute them by going from point A to point E. The night I broke my bed for example, I had the genius idea to move my room around and thought the quickest way would be dragging my bed, right? Wrong. My bed is huge and heavy. Apparently, I was supposed to remove the mattress and springboard first, to reduce the weight -- but how was I supposed to know? No one told me.

Anyhow, my television is now broken. At least it wasn't new. It was old, really old. So now, if I want entertainment I need to pop in a DVD. Lucky for me, I finally bought my four favorite soap operas - the Maria trilogy (Maria Mercedes, Marimar, and Maria la del Barrio) and Rosalinda. They're amusing in all of the unrealistic, sadistic, masochistic drama. Watching them leads me to question so many things.

I remember writing my thesis and concluding that soap operas are nothing but social commentary ridiculing the absurd gender role expectations in different cultures. I mean, what woman is so good (and stupid) that is willing to wait for some dude that just screwed her over, slept with her cousin, who is truly her mother and keeps her from seeing their child, while accusing her of being a whore? "Jose Armando, te amo y sin ti no puedo vivir". Come’n, you know that's a joke. Or is it? I mean, are women really that stupid? One would hope not. But (yeah, there's a but - scary), now that I'm older and more "experienced" (note that I use the term loosely), I can kind of see and almost, somewhat, slightly understand how that can be.

Love, or infatuation or hormones can be toxic and blinding, leading a perfect cynic to behave in uncharacteristic ways. I guess how far women are willing to go or how much they're willing to sacrifice for what they deem as "worthy" is subjective; it varies from woman to woman and from experience to experience. What I may constitute as total humiliation, may be nothing for another woman, or absolutely too much for another.

Now, I'm not saying that soap operas are realistic in any way but just they're not as scornful as before. I'm also not as utterly disgusted with the classic love story of Romeo and Juliet. I still don't like it, but it doesn't have the same excruciatingly obnoxious effect that it did 5 years ago, or even a year ago. It can somewhat make sense. A couple of weeks ago, re-watching Marimar, I was able to sympathize in a way I had never been able to before. Strange, how experience can lead one to view and approach things differently. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel that if I ever act that pathetic, someone should take me outside and put me out of my misery. The difference is that now I say it with a deeper understanding because I now know you can’t control your sentiments.