Happy Valentine's Day

Saturday night I went to an art show with the theme of el día del amor y la amistad (barf!). There, I met Antonio (the irony). Antonio is a painter and a very friendly, chattery older gentleman in his 70's. While conversing with him, he confessed that he was married to his wife for 40 years and that, 50 years ago, when he and she decided to enter the contract of matrimony, they decided that their marriage would last exactly 40 years.

Married in 1960, their marriage dissolved in 2000. He still lives with his ex-wife, whom he helps take care of. I wish I could say that theirs is a story of true love, something that gives me hope for the future, but it isn't and it doesn't. Seriously, because it was a Valentine's Day art show, one would think he would share how deep in love he is with her, but no. Again, the irony. By the way he was speaking, it didn't seem that he still loves her, so I asked. He confirmed my thought and nonchalantly said, "No, I don't love her. I take care of her because she is the mother of my children, whom I love dearly. I ceased to love her in the year 2000, when our contract was up." This perplexed me. His tone, his attitude, it just saddened me. He really did sound as though he meant it. I asked him, "Did you ever love her?" He said that he did, during their marriage but once that ended, so did the love.

But, can love end like that? If you truly love someone, a contract can't dictate your heart. I kept pestering him, questioning him, hoping to be gifted with a clue that he was speaking in jest, that he wasn't serious or that he always loved her, or that their love had faded in time and not because their contract was valid for only 40 years, but he didn't give me anything. I told him that love can't work like that. I said, "I can't just pick a guy right now and say, 'Hey, you! Marry me for the next 20 years!' and automatically love him, deeply, passionately until the 20 years are up and then instantly feel nothing for him or what we shared." He said it's possible, that it happened to him.

That makes me so sad, so confused, so frustrated. The ease with which he transcended makes me both pity and envy him. I pity his neutrality, his inability to love, to be so dense, so dry, so loveless. If we are put in this world to live, to love and be loved, then he hasn't done it. To love is to let go and give yourself freely, unconditionally, without expectations. Love is inherent, but it comes with a price - heart-break. That's why I envy him. I envy him for the same reasons I pity him. I wish I too were emotionally challenged and unable to feel. The love dichotomy is too intricate. It is the best high, but also the most evil depressant. It engulfs you with joy, but also shatters you with pain. It gives as it takes. It takes as it gives. It is the simplest emotion, as well as the most complex.

I hate love.