Alvarado and I

Perception of being fascinates me. The private self vs. the public persona is so interesting to me. The private self is obviously who we are when we are alone and at the mercy of our thoughts. It is the self that bares it all, without fear of rejection, without any inhibitions, without concern for judgments. The private self is the person we allow ourselves to be with only those we trust the most, those who really know us and accept us without any conditions or expectations. The first time I really began thinking about this, at least that I remember, was senior year of high school when I read Jorge Luis Borges' "Borges and I". I still remember the first line, "The other one, the one called Borges, is the one things happen to." It is true, isn't it? If I were also to write "Alvarado and I" or "Maria and I", I could easily borrow that line. I’m the quiet one, the observant one, the one who assesses, the one who rationalizes, analyzes, schemes and plots. The "other", Alvarado, is the one that executes. She is the one people see, people judge, people criticize and perceive. I laugh at Alvarado and at the way people describe her, as "nice and sweet", and "cute and adorable." She's perky. And it's not that she and I aren't these things, but no one ever sees Alvarado's darker side, the side that I selfishly possess. The cynical, sarcastic me that Alvarado shies away from to not make anyone uncomfortable. She's much more considerate, much more of a pleaser. She's tolerant and accepting. I am more rebellious, rough around the edges and just don't give a damn – I’m free in a way Alvarado has never been. Alvarado is a veneer of good manners, always polite, a goody-two shoe. She's funny; she is sweet and adorable. Her happiness is contagious, she's happy-go-lucky and though she is true to herself, she holds back. She always holds back. It becomes hard to separate her from me. Sometimes I don’t know which is the true me. I guess that in the end, it doesn’t really matter, for like Borges, I also “do not which of us has written this page.”