Waiting for Nothingness

I tell myself that I have no hope left and that I never
had any. But deep inside me, even if I don't want to
admit it myself, I silently wish, pray and hope that
you will return. I try to understand why I want this.
Do I love you? Are you the only thing that can fill this
void that is consuming me? I don't know how I feel.
Some days I'm consumed by sadness and I wonder when will
it get better. I don't like feeling this way. I have never
felt this way. The pressure in my chest, the weakening of
my heart, the tightening of my throat, and all because
I miss you. Other times I wonder if I only feel this way
because I want to. Maybe I am a masochist, making heartache
out of nothing. If I rationalize, I have a long list of why
I'm better off:

1. You never cared.
2. You lack personality.
3. We never interacted on an intellectual level.
4. You made me feel insecure.
5. You left me out and never even tried to integrate me into your life.
6. You never gave me a chance.
7. You're selfish.

...Well, you get the point. It is quite torturous to list
everything that you are that hurt me and made me feel
insignificant. I just can't understand why, knowing all
this, I am wasting energy and missing out in life because
of you. Or why I keep on slicing, dicing, dissecting,
rationalizing everything that we NEVER had. Maybe if
I had done this, or maybe if I had done that, it would
have been differently. I gross myself out. I'm not even
rational! But I guess it doesn't matter.

I'm still here, thinking, hoping and wanting what was
never mine and what will never be mine. I wonder, if
you were to return would I feel the same way? Are you
one of those things that I want because I can't have
and I will no longer want once I possess? Too bad I
won't find out. Actually, I just did realize that I
never wanted you either, not in that way at least.
It was just a new experience. Had I had you, I probably
would have grown bored. I grow bored so easily. I was
bored from day one. You were right to act surprised
when I said I'm a good listener, because I wasn't
with you. It was hard to keep focused when feigning
interest. I tried to care, but monotone always does
me in - yawn. I do feel bad about that. But because
I'm so "nice and sweet", I tried to deny it though
it was so often pointed out to me by my mom -
"no te gusta ese muchacho, verdad", "I like him mom,
why do you say that?" "Porque vos no te vez excited
por el para nada" - by my friends, "he bores you huh?
He doesn't seem to be in your intellectual level" "um,
he's, um... Not dumb" I was always defending myself for
not showing interest or excitement about you. I do crack
me up sometimes. I think I'm just one of those people who
loves feeling conflicted - a tortured soul. I always did
have a soft spot for tragedy. Who needs Freud? Homeboy's
got nuttin’ on me! I can psychoanalyze me better then he
could. I wonder if Carl Jung could do better? Probably not,
after all Freud schooled him and I schooled him. Ok, no
I didn't but I get me. I love realizing the obvious. I do
have fond memories of you and of your dimples. I think you
are, overall, a good person with good a heart and noble
intentions. I enjoyed our time together and wouldn't
take it back. But, yay, I'm back! So now, let's play Balls!!!