Thick Love

The other day, a friend shared that she had recently had an
abortion. Her confession led me to think of the choices one
is forced to make in life. I honestly don't know what I would
do were I to be in her shoes. Or how I would feel. I'm pro-choice.
I firmly believe it's a woman's prerogative to decide whether
or not she wants to carry and bring life into this world. Whether
she is a rape victim, a stereotypical sorority/party girl, or
a newly-wed, the choice should be available. I'm not advocating
irresponsibility by any means, I don't think abortion should be
sought out every time one neglects to use protection, but sometimes
that seems to be the only option.

I'm 26 years old. An adult. I'm responsible, educated, and have
a steady job. However, I'm not ready to be a mother. Would I
be able to do it? Sure. Do I want to be a mother? Of course.
I want between 2 and 4 kids (so 3!). But, under the "right"
circumstances. By "right", I mean I would prefer to be happily
married, comfortably settled and financially secure. I would at
least want to be in a committed relationship where there is mutual
love and respect and one where a child, whether planned or
unplanned, was conceived in love. A woman's life is difficult.
This world is prejudiced. Being pregnant and unmarried and even
more, unattached to any one men, gifts a single mother with a
scarlet letter. True, its such a common occurrence now that the
stigma is not as obvious. But it is still present in the questioning,
in the pitiful looks, in the subtle avoidance. It's not an
impossible burden, but it is one which many women, myself included,
don't desire. If that were my dilemma, and I kept the child,
my life would change overnight. No more traveling, no more dancing
at Bruno's, no more sleeping in on coveted Sunday mornings.
The chances of falling in love would be, sadly, decreased by 95%.
And the baby daddy life? Well, that wouldn't change much.
He would, hopefully, dutifully send his child support check as
he traveled, dated, partied and lived. He would have less money
to throw away, but he would still be free.

I guess in the end, the choice comes down to morality/ethics
and/or religion. I don't know. If one considers the type of
life that child will live, maybe they are better off not bringing
them into the world. There is so much poverty and sadness already.
There are so many children without parents, without guardians,
without a home. One can, however, argue that every life has a
purpose and it isn't one person's decision to play God, to decide
whether or not someone has the right to be here. Abortion can be
done out of love though, not just selfishness. But, can it be
justified? In Beloved, Sethe kills her baby in order to save
her from slavery. The only way she feels she is able to both
prove her unconditionally fierce mother's love and protect her
child from a destiny of non-living is by murdering her. The past
returns to haunt her, when out of outrage, confusion and loneliness,
her baby manifests its spirit into a body and returns. Sethe's
re-memory, which she is unable to flee from, is made reality with
Beloved's presence. Is that what abortion would feel like? Is
one consumed by guilt? Engulfed by sadness, regret? The feelings
intertwining together, becoming stronger everyday, sometimes
maybe not even thinking about the life lost, but never
forgetting until finally, they become real.

Abortion is such a polemic topic and a choice that cannot be made
unless one is in the position to have to make it. If I had to make
that decision, I honestly have NO idea what I would do. Part of me
thinks I would not keep it for the obviously selfish reasons. But
another part of me feels like I couldn't terminate a life, at least
not by choice. Raised Catholic, my favorite argument to use is that
of free-will, which I exercise every chance I get. But a choice as
life-changing as this is one where I would probably wish I were docile, obedient, a sheep that follows order, therefore releasing myself of any and all responsibility.