The Rise and Downfall of the Hopeful

When does one begin to lose hope? How hard does life have to
kick one down, disappoint one, before hope is gone? And more
importantly, once hope is lost, is it ever found? I've been
thinking about this as the year finally comes to an end. This
has most definitely been what I've been referring to as an
"awful year". From January through December, it has been composed
of stress and disappointments. Although I wouldn't consider
myself naïve, I do possess many innocent qualities that would
classify me as such. For a skeptic cynic, I'm quite trusting,
hopeful and optimistic. I don't think people are out to get me
and tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until they
hurt me, which sadly, happens too often. Sometimes the art of
loving comes too easily to me. I tend to love too quickly, too
freely, and without expectations. I don't mean a romantic-type
of love by the way(when it comes to romance I'm actually pretty
closed off - yeah, I'm a chicken), but just love, love. Love for
humanity. I'm compassionate, except for when I'm angry, then I
don't give a damn until my angers wears off, then I mope around
feeling bad for whatever it is I thought, did, or said. I'm
sympathetic and hate to see people suffer. I am much more
sensitive than I let on. Combine that with my desire to please
people, to make them happy at my expense, and my extremely
considerate way of being (which has got to go as most people
are selfish,inconsiderate animals), and I have to wonder why
I'm surprised this year was so bad.

Whatever it was, it was a year of significant growth, emotional
maturity, and one where I learned many valuable lessons. I don't
regret any of the experiences I went through this year, but they
are not what I hoped for for myself. I know I sound cliché, but
things are not always what they appear to be. Right now, I feel
dejected and tired and almost hopeless. I tell myself that if I
could go back in time and do this year over again with the
knowledge that I have now, I would. I tell myself what I would
do differently and how I would react to certain circumstances.
I tell myself I would be more selfish, more demanding, less
flexible, and more ME. But when I stop and really review my year,
I see that yes, it has been difficult, but I have been through
so much more and haven't lost hope, so why now? Much of what's
been bad for me has been because other people don't live up to
expectations. I can't change anyone and am only responsible
for my actions. So, why should I torture myself for the way
others have made me feel? They don't care, cloaking their
stupidity, selfishness and indifference with silent, emotionless
games.

Instead of focusing on what I think ruined my year, I should
focus on what I learned. The main thing I'm taking with me
is to take chances; life is a gamble and about taking risks.
Yes, it is scary but like one of them Roosevelts said, there's
nothing to “fear but fear itself." Taking a chance is liberating
and empowering. Fear is lack of faith, instinct is inherent.
So have faith, follow your instincts and keep on hoping!