Wonderland

"How can I be the wrong Alice when this is my dream?" How can I be the wrong Maria when this is who I am? Alice in Wonderland has always enthralled me. Perhaps because like Alice and cast, I am mad myself. I've always been seduced by the darkness of it all - disappearing cat, stoned caterpillar, contradicting twins, decapitating red queen, and of course, my personal favorite, the Mad Hatter. Even Alice, with her prim and proper demeanor is extremely entrancing, as she is really quite rebellious and free-spirited and as a result, she's an outcast in her world. But in Wonderland, surrounded by the quirky, the mad, and the mentally twisted, she both finds and accepts herself. In Wonderland, her purpose of life and the person that she is makes sense. She is free of facades because she believes she's in a dream. In dreams, we have no inhibitions. Instead, our subconscious is our guide and we are able to explore our hidden fears and desires in a way we are unable to awake. Look up Freud’s “The Interpretation of Dreams”.

In January, my nights were consumed by dreams that tormented me. I wanted to sleep and not dream because my dreams were so realistic and exhausting that I awoke more tired than I otherwise would have had I not attempted to shut my eyes. One dream in particular made me feel as though I was in my own Wonderland, surrounded my unrealistic possibilities that became magical realism; each stage of the dream more obscure than the previous.

In dreams though, the angst get that sometimes fills me when I'm awake is justified. When I'm asleep, the darkness of my soul makes sense; I don't feel guilty for being dark and gloomy. When I'm awake, it's different. I'm confused and unaccepting of my true feelings because I shouldn't feel "that way". I should feel happy, lucky, blessed. And I am. Sometimes.

In Wonderland, everything comes together because it doesn't make sense. In the world we live in, we try to make sense of things and become frustrated when it doesn't. But in Wonderland, everything is absurd and its absurdity makes sense because it's ok to wear a codfish as a hat, or host tea parties with talking mice and disappearing cats. Plus everything is so twisted that you do not expect a happy ending. In the real world we do. At least I do. I tell myself that because I am a good person, one day I will get what I deserve and shall experience true joy without that fear that they're just short-lived bliss teasers. In Wonderland, I wouldn't care because happy endings don't exist; at least not in the standard sense.

Maybe the reason I love Alice in Wonderland is because I can see me in many of the characters. I'm the Fat Boys - the crazy twins that contradict one another yet complement each other.

I'm the Red Queen, who cruelly decapitates and cuts off all physical bonds, even the emotional ties that remain alive in my heart - "Delete me".

I'm the Mad Hatter - crazy, witty, clever and intelligent. He's aware of realities of life and right about his vision of the world, but presents his ideas in such a way that their value is masked by outrageous ridicule. He feigns happiness, but is at the core of his being darker than the rest. He has lost faith in the world, but deep inside holds on to hope. The dichotomy of lost faith and retention of hope, makes him a most conflicted character. He's torn in transition.

There's also the White Rabbit, who like me, is also obsessed with time. Each tick tock of his clocks is a second lost as he frantically rushes in his quest to beat time.

Of course, who could disregard the Stoned Caterpillar, who always asks, “Who are you?”

Then there's Alice. She is the heroine of the story but she is also an outcast in both worlds. She's a dreamer in a time when dreaming is impossible. She lives in a jaded world where dreams don't come true. That is why, frustrated by the options presented to paths that will not bring her happiness, she follows the White Rabbit and falls into the hole. There, in Wonderland, she is first outcasted by her "normality". But, after wearing different heights, different costumes, and different selves, she finally understands that she is who she is regardless of where she may be or who may or may not accept it.

I'm ready to follow the White Rabbit. Guide me Bunny. Leche, if I get you a pocket watch, will you lead me to my destiny?